The recent news from Facebook that, by 2070, they believe they will have more dead members than living ones, is curiously exciting, and has had me digging around for examples.
Instagram post. Arles. 3 May 1889.
‘More Irises. What does anyone think?’
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Facebook post. Stratford-upon-Avon. 17 November 1606.
‘Just finished new play about an old man who triggered his inheritance plans a bit too early and got into all sorts of trouble. I think it’s better than it sounds, though Ann says it’s a bit full-on. If anyone’s in town on Boxing Day, I have a handful of freebie tickets for the first night at the Globe. Could do post-Christmas lash round Southwark afterwards?’
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Family Whatsapp group chat. Holy Land. 6 July 2348 BC.
Noah: ‘You lot seen the forecast?’
Japeth. ‘Obvs, Dad. It’s a Bank Holiday. LOL.’
Noah: ‘No, seriously. I think it’s gonna be bad. I’m making a boat.’
Noah: ‘Anyone know where I can get some gopher-wood?’
Ham: ‘Normal place, Dad. Homebase. How much do you want? I could pop in on the way back from work and pick some up for you. Presumably 4 x 2 lengths?’
Noah: ‘Don’t know about dimensions. Instructions seem to be in cubits.’
Private Whatsapp message 8 July 2348 BC
Mrs Noah: ‘I think your father’s lost it a bit over this boat thing. Have you seen the back garden? Can any of you pop round for risotto tonight and see what you think?’
Shem: ‘I’ll come, Mum, once I’ve sorted kids out. He’s just emailed to ask if I know where he can get two capybaras. LOL’
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Twitter feed. Ujiji. 10thNovember 1871.
‘Have found David. One heck of a beard, I have to say.’
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Instagram post. Rome. 15thAug 1512.
‘We’ve finally finished the ceiling, if anyone wants to pop in and have a look. Images attached’ Julius II.
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Linkedin posting. Balaclava. 25thOctober 1854.
‘Having recently completed some extensive project work in Crimea, I am now interested in following up with a new challenge. I am a creative, results-oriented self-starter, with great interpersonal skills and an entrepreneurial and refreshing can-do attitude. CV attached. Please email lord.cardigan@btinternet.com. References available on request, but possibly not from @lucan, please.
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Facebook post from Bosworth Field. 23rdAugust 1485
‘Richard’s family are deeply touched and grateful for all those who got in touch with offers of help following his urgent request yesterday for a horse. Sadly, you will now know that the outcome was not the one he or we wanted, so we would be grateful if anyone who brought a horse along could collect it from outside the Bell Inn at Lutterworth. Thanks again. Anne Neville.’
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Ebay post. Giverney. Ist July 1916.
I’ve done a series of Water Lily pictures around the pond in our garden (attached). Owing to lack of space, these are now available, individually or collectively, to the first sensible bid. cm@wanadoo.fr
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Twitter post. Washington. 6thJan 2018
‘Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. Crooked Hilary Clinton also played these cards very hard and, as everyone knows, went down in flames. I went from VERY successful businessman to top TV star……
……to President of the United States on my first try. I think I would qualify as not smart, but genius, and a very stable genius at that’
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